Day 1: Friendship Breakups are a Real Thing!
There must be like 5.2 bazillion songs out there about couples breaking up. Seriously, you can search the radio stations at any given time and find at least one song on a station talking about the heartache of a couple breaking up. WHY?… because breaking up sucks! It breaks our hearts, it leaves us wounded, and it feels really really bad and sucky. And mostly because… everyone can relate! When we break up with a boyfriend there’s so much room to lament over it, there’s language to use to describe it, and there’s a basic universal understanding that it’s a painful thing. However, when it comes to a friendship break up… not so much. There’s no songs to lean into or speak to the condition of our hearts. When someone asks “what’s wrong?” it just seems weird to say “Me and Suzy broke up”. But friendship breaks up are real. I wish they weren’t but they are. I know this because I’ve experienced them first hand. And regardless of if you’re the breakup’er or the breakup’ee~ it still sucks! I’ve been both the unfriended and the unfriender.
At first thought it seems like it’s much better to be the breakup’er doesn’t it? Because then it’s YOU making the choice instead of having the choice made for you. However, having been the unfriender/breakup’er myself before I’m here to tell you that it still sucks! It sucks (and just get ready because I’m going to use the word ‘suck’ a bazillion times because there’s few other words that accurately describe what we’re talking about here) when a friendship that once was the pinnacle of joy for you now is a source of sorrow. It’s quite crazy making actually to try to figure out HOW something and someone that once was so life giving is now causing you pain, frustration, and sucking your soul dry. I know in the few situations I’ve been in like this, the unfriending was never the first choice, rather it’s was ALWAYS a last resort.
It sucks when you have to come to terms with the truth that the friendship that once was no longer is. Sometimes the reasons are super clear, “something” happened! It’s someone’s fault! There is clear blame. Other times it’s sorta a mystery. Sometimes it’s loud, ugly, in your face, messy. Other times, quiet, passive aggressive, distant, and cold (I could argue that this is the worst of the two for me). But, for whatever reason, you feel the friendship as it is (and I think it’s very important to note the phrase as it is here because despite how much you wish it was what it was~ you have to come to terms with what it is) needs to come to an end. Maybe there’s a competitive spirit involved, maybe it’s lying, anger, co dependency, or jealousy. Maybe the friendship isn’t family friendly (meaning it causes strife among your immediate family members… ie. husband or children). Is it a friendship that is bonded in being against others or rooted in gossip~ meaning if you made a pact to not talk about anyone else… would you guys still have anything to say? Maybe the friendship isn’t encouraging you to be a better version of yourself, but you see yourself being the worst version of yourself when you’re together. Maybe it’s a friendship that pulls you away from Jesus instead of pushing you towards Him. Whatever the case, you just know that you know that it isn’t good for you. I think it’s also important to note that being the breakup’er also doesn’t mean that you want it more than the other person, it might just mean that you were brave enough to do it first. I know for me I spend a lot, like a lot a LOT, of time wishing things were different, wishing what has happened wasn’t true, wishing it was what it once was. There’s never been a time when I was the breakup’er that I was happy or excited about it. Even as the unfriender, my heart has been broken… I mean B-R-O-K-E-N! There’s never been a time I didn’t grieve and my heart didn’t ache for a long period of time. No one wins when friendships break up, not even the breakup’er.